Hi, I’m John and I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder, as well as a myriad other diagnoses, and I suffer every day with the condition. I am constantly frustrated with myself for not being ‘normal’ or ‘well’ and I judge myself harshly because of it. There are many, many days where I just simply hate myself. Sometimes I can’t bring myself to get out of bed and it’s such a monumental effort to go to the bathroom. I’m constantly frustrated at my friends and family for not understanding me or my condition and I am desperate to find a way to communicate my thoughts and feelings, my emotions and my problems to them, maybe this blog will help me articulate the unarticulatable (not a word but if the Oxford English Dictionary add it you saw it here first!)
I have suffered with BPD my whole life, but was only diagnosed in 2008 after a devastating breakdown. I’ve suffered all kinds of abuse in my life and I have no self confidence and I’m wracked with self hatred and judgement. I could feel that I was heading towards a breakdown and had no way of stopping it. It finally happened when I fell deep and fast in love with my best friend, who rejected me and I took that as a validation of my worthlessness and so I spiraled extremely fast. I became obsessed with suicide and tried almost every day in various ways. The people around me slowly became numb to it all, I was shouted at and judged making me feel worse, and further validating my worthlessness and so I would spiral deeper. I became obsessed with my best friend and he became my only reason to breathe. My friendship with my longest friend suffered as a result, she became secondary and almost obsolete. I regret that deeply and I am suffering now because of it. Luckily both these friends have stayed with me and are my rocks. They love me and care deeply for me and now, after almost 7 years, I am beginning to feel that.
I am now in therapy, after so many years in the wilderness, and I am feeling more and more hopeful that I can climb out of the pit I have wallowed in for years. With the love and help of my friends and family I can see a path out.
This blog is an attempt at self therapy and hopefully an attempt to reach out to others and learn and grow and heal. It’s also going to be a fun swim in my odd mind!
The Lonely Blog 
Hi john
Amazing honesty:) the only way is up..
LikeLike
Thanks Jen. I thought there’s no point in any kind f therapy unless there is vulnerable honesty. Thanks so much for your support xx
LikeLike
Putting into words, so clearly and honestly, shows that you are already embarking on a positive journey. You have shown some of your pain and your selfless admission of how badly things have gone in the past will help others who have similar feelings. You are eloquent, and speak in such an articulate way. Many can’t do this, but would be pleased to have your ability. I hope that you continue to write about how you feel, as I’m sure it will benefit not only you, but so many other people, those who are going through similar difficulties and those supporting friends, family, lovers who are facing demons in their minds. You are valuable and I wish you joy and contentment in the future. It may take time.
Don’t give up. The continued support of your friends is an example of the fact that you are clearly not worthless.
Sending you warm wishes, Lucy
LikeLike
Hi John, I became suicidal in middle school and the thoughts have been lingering since then. I feel you, I feel that I only have two really close friends, but then I also feel like they wouldn’t understand what I’m saying to them too. I do not know much about BPD, but I am glad for you that you have been able to get help because the sooner you do the better it is. I think that this you just wrote was fun to read because it feels like you are talking just to me since I can relate. Thanking God for people like you! Stay strong
LikeLike